Already greiving and he's not gone yet

I don't know if this is normal. I'm tearing myself up inside though. My partner and I have two pugs, Winston (almost 12 and my pug when we met 8 years ago) and Gena (a little over 14 and his pug when we met.) Gena has been through cancer, bladder stones, degenerative nerve loss in her legs, over the last 3 years but she has been a true fighter, though we have figured her days are coming. Winston has been the picture of health except for arthritis diagnosed 4 years ago, until a month ago.

He stopped eating for 2-3 days and, taking him to my normal vet, got the diagnosis of mild pancreatitis, keep him off food for another day and gave him some antibiotics. The next day his stomach started swelling, and he threw up water, on a Sunday evening of course, so off to the ER vet we went. After one diagnosis of a "mass on his spleen" they did another ultra sound and it turns out his pancreatitis was so bad it had stopped his stomach completely, the bloat was all the water he had been holding the last two days. Three nights in the ER and he was doing well enough to come home and begin a very strict diet of Rx food. Did great for about a week, then stopped eating and threw up. Took him back to the same vet though it was not an ER visit. After just one day there they released him and gave him steroids, anti nausea and a GI mobility tract enhancer. All went well for another week and then last week he started having diarrhea. Still eating, which the vet advised to just watch him for other signs, cut back on food and begin the round of steroids again. Then he stopped eating again and throwing up bile on last Friday morning (this is monday now.) He's been with the vet ever since, slowly eating but not progressing a lot. They have diagnosed him with diabetes, and his high blood sugar is responding well to insulin shots, but his pancreas are not getting better.

The whole point of that long paragraph is I am terrified I am going to lose him. I didn't feel this way the first two go arounds. I am feeling so sad at not seeing him at home (which I work from so I am always aware of his absence.). I am already grieving but he's not even gone yet, but I feel like he is. Even though I go across the city two times a day to go see him. I don't know what's going to happen if and when he does pass over, but I already am so torn up I can't imagine it being worse. Gena doesn't understand where he is. I am glad to have her but at the same time I feel it's just so unfair..the last two years we have prepared ourselves as much as we can for her going and out of nowhere he may be the one to go first. Totally unprepared. I am already heartbroken and I don't know how I can handle more. He's not a young pug by any means but it feels like the 11 and a half years I've had him are just nowhere near long enough.

I know this isn't normal. I'm practically inconsolable. Barely able to get through work. Barely able to go for long at all without crying. Having the saddest dreams and waking up and realizing that reality may not be that far off. I know this is the grieving section and he's not gone yet but it seems like the closest place to post, because I have a dread I am going to lose him. I hope i am wrong but I just feel it's going to be the worst.

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Zuji (2 months ago)

~ PugDaddy:

Thank you so much for telling us about Winston and Gena.

They are both so special in your life.

I hope that you'll receive comfort from knowing that we're all caring and concerned.

May you have both strength and courage during the weeks and months to come.